Title: Deceitful Above All Things
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts
Length: 18,670 words. OMG WTF.
Rating: A filthy, filthy R
Summary: The heart is. [30 Amnesias]
I wrote this fic over an insane period of three months, starting from the first hitch-pitched noise I made in the name of discovery -- discovery of the gayness inherent in that which we fondly refer to as "the bastard child of Disney and Squenix." Thanks everyone for all the pom-pom ra-ra, the hand-holding, and for physically restraining me from the termination clinic -- especially in the last weeks when I was in turns obnoxious and neurotic and whiny.
Awesome props to
Like most of my more ambitious (and thus, longer) projects, I don't really expect this story to catch on -- we all know the world of fanfiction is dominated by pithy punchers and breathless epics. But it has been a weird and kind of awful three months; I'm just glad to have reached the finish line. Your comments of course are still happy crack to me, and I'll be sure to treasure and reply to each and everyone of them with the sincerity and squee-age each deserves.
Love, for me, will always be a warm and drowsy truce -- something to wrap yourself in.
PS, Can you catch all the Disney (and non-Disney) references I've planted around this? Kiss, kiss, Mai ♥
Notes:
- Haría todo por ti: roughly, 'Everything for you', or, 'For you I would do everything.'
- Excerpt from Pablo Neruda's poem La Muerta -- no, I didn't quote a complete section, just picked out the lines I liked best from one :|
forgive me
if you are not living
if you, beloved, my love, if
you have died
all the leaves will fall on my breast
it will rain on my soul all night, all day
my feet will want to march to where you are sleeping
but I shall live
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June 20 2007, 23:12:35 UTC 4 years ago
I was sure this was a fic I probably wouldn't dig, since I am so clueless on the KH and 18670 words is well, wow, 18670 words---but what do you know hmm. . . I am completely floored. I love this so much. I don't know if I want to laugh or cry, I'm kind of like stuck bothways and I think I'll laugh AND cry because god, Mai, this is beautiful.
June 21 2007, 00:13:46 UTC 4 years ago
Haha, yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Rest assured that I myself had constant crippling doubts about whether or not I could finish this story -- which is ironic because I seriously could not stop writing. Thank you so much for struggling through the behemoth, and for the kind words ♥
June 21 2007, 01:45:33 UTC 4 years ago
They knew each other for little less than a year and you made it feel like a lifetime. And the conversations Axel had with Larxene and Xigbar and oh god Axel ;_;!
My mind is blown quite fantastically- I'm having trouble forming coherent thoughts if you couldn't tell and I'm writing this in a europhic frenzy that borders on post-orgasmic.
Mai ♥_♥
Oh dear lord. Sweet, fantastical lord.
Oh.
Just... *------------------*
Adfjwoeajriawo I'm stopping now or else this is going to reach PAGES of me just uttering nonsensical things.
God.
June 21 2007, 03:17:34 UTC 4 years ago
You know what I discovered in the course of writing this story? That if you prefix any remotely romantic noun with man- (i.e, man-love, man-crush, man-wife, man-porn), you get instant gayness and hilarity. This is deep for me XD
I'm not sure how on or off my characterizations might be since I don't have a very good read on this fandom just yet, but I know this is how I would want to remember them. Yeah. Because, you know, Axel.
I'll be quiet now *hugs you in a corner*
4 years ago
June 21 2007, 01:56:26 UTC 4 years ago
i really enjoyed the whole rise and fall of the story line, the way each part pulled different emotions from me. captivating, funny, titillating, poignant and by the end heartbreaking, i was thoroughly entraced by it all. you have a wonderful voice for storytelling and i kept finding myself getting distracted by the way your words merged and joined, having to go back and re-read to get actually get a grasp of the content.
i know this canon only superficially, but you did a fantastic job in keeping it understandable to non-KH readers.
i would love to be able to leave you a list of everything i loved, but there are too many so i hope it's sufficent to say that i loved it all! *hugs*
June 21 2007, 03:24:33 UTC 4 years ago
But I'm glad you were able to read through it -- and hey, maybe it's better that you don't know the game well after all, otherwise you would just die at all the spots where I just *had no clue* and was just *making shit up*. Note my face of distress --> Dx
Also, interesting fact, do you know how you describe someone's heart in a literary context? You know, heart breaking, heart trembling, whatever. God, I just had no idea how much of a hackneyed expression I was making the heart out to be until, of course, I couldn't use it anymore XD
June 21 2007, 02:57:01 UTC 4 years ago
Seriously, this fic had everything--humor, porn, and a glorious descent into angst.
I was going to shower befor I read this, really (since that other time I had to get up in the middle of reading to go do that), but I decided that showers are for the weak.
I feel like my vocabulary has improved. Or it will, once I look up "insouciance" and "ramekin."
The dialogues with Larxene and Xigbar were made of win. I love Axel's voice and the various homoerotic episodes. And Roxas and his crème brûlée and magazine. And seals! (Which brought to mind an apt, if crude, French metaphor. . . )
Anastasia! You referenced Anastasia! It makes me want to watch it again, like, right now. (I am a terrible sucker for the music in that movie. And the Russian-ness and semi-historicity.) It's all warm fuzzies and crazy dead Orthodox priests. . .
"This kind of things can only lead to people dying tragically or running away from home." The foreshadowing--oh, Mai, how could you? (I mean that with the utmost of love.) This was the point when I knew that I couldn't delude myself into thinking there might be a happy ending.
From about 18 on, I had to insist that no, really, it's just the new contacts making my eyes water. And Naminé was beautiful.
That last one, number 30, undid me. (And I can't blame the contacts this time, because I'd gotten up before this and took them out.) And I love to death the Spanish bits you slipped in there.
Always, with Axel and Roxas, I catch myself thinking, "But why can't they just trust each other and open up and stop this inevitable downward slide into tragedy?" The (non)existence of the Nobodies is heartwrenchingly cruel--they deserve something more than that. A chance, at least.
That last paragraph was ridiculous and horrible and sappy and naïve, but that doesn't make it any less true. (It made sense in my head.)
This, this fic, was love. Thank you for sharing it with us.
June 21 2007, 03:26:53 UTC 4 years ago
4 years ago
4 years ago
June 21 2007, 05:36:04 UTC 4 years ago
I really, really, really enjoyed this (did I mention really? Really). You captured the Axel/Roxas dynamic beautifully. They are two characters that I love together, but whom I rarely find written well. You made their relationship so believable (and so heartbreaking).
Even better than your Axel/Roxas relationship, I think you captured Axel himself wonderfully. I think it's because you struck a nice balance between his funny moments (the Xigbar bit made me laugh out loud) and his thoughtful moments. He wasn't brooding or angsty at all, and his reflections were done in a way that just...gah, I don't know! They were just perfect! The last few sections killed me (in the best way possible).
Speaking of sections, I love the way the fic was pieced together. It made the whole thing flow exceptionally well. Also, I thought the ocean theme was great and maintained really well throughout the fic.
Now may I offer a suggestion? I don't speak a word of Spanish, and I feel like that last line was probably important. Those free translations sites never do any language a bit of justice, so I wonder if you might footnote translations of the Spanish phrases so those who don't understand it can understand what you were trying to convey?
Thank you so much for sharing this (I found it in the axelxroxas group)!
June 21 2007, 16:20:49 UTC 4 years ago
I haven't been reading KH fic for very long, but it's my impression that there are rather many wonderful portrayals of Axel/Roxas. I tried to make my own stand out, and the result was... interesting ^^ I like to think people can be sad without meriting the 'angsty' label.
Of course, I should have thought of footnoting the Spanish sections! I'll get to that right away, thanks for the suggestion. As to that last line, it means, roughly, 'Everything for you', or rather 'For you I would do everything'. I just thought it summed up the history shared by these characters very well.
4 years ago
June 21 2007, 06:18:23 UTC 4 years ago
"I remember the hookers" has to be one of my favourite lines. Might have to make an icon out of it...
June 21 2007, 16:23:35 UTC 4 years ago
Thank you so much for reading. I'm planning to write something more lighthearted next, just to work off the residual heaviness this fic has left me with.
June 21 2007, 07:08:25 UTC 4 years ago
June 21 2007, 16:29:49 UTC 4 years ago
Thanks for reading! ♥
June 21 2007, 07:19:30 UTC 4 years ago
Wow...
This is the very first fan fic i've ever read and it was absolutly amazing. The detail and the and references! I caught I think two. I can`t name them right now, because it's 12:19 at night and i`m fricking tired. XD; Anyways, I love the story, thank you for writing it. <333June 21 2007, 16:35:38 UTC 4 years ago
Re: Wow...
Very first fanfic? Seriously? And you had to read this? XD I'm so sorry, usually I'm not this long-winded. Well, actually I am but there's usually a lot more porn and shenanigans involved as well.I referenced a couple of Disney worlds for shits and giggles, but I was trying to be oblique about it, because thinking on any of them too hard would break my brain, seriously.
4 years ago
June 21 2007, 07:27:31 UTC 4 years ago
can't
oh my god
;__;
that was amazing.
I can't even.. comprehend.. how
oh my god
June 21 2007, 16:37:57 UTC 4 years ago
You're too kind, really ;_;
June 21 2007, 09:55:53 UTC 4 years ago
It's beautiful. Thank you for writing it.
June 21 2007, 16:42:41 UTC 4 years ago
June 21 2007, 16:41:14 UTC 4 years ago
Brilliant. So brilliant. The characterizations were a little different than what I've seen but flawless in their own rights. The way that it was such a subtle steeping was gorgeous. The way it banished all cliches was brilliant...
/blubber
Just... brilliant.
I need new adjectives.June 21 2007, 16:49:46 UTC 4 years ago
Of the various characterizations of Roxas in fandom, I rather like the one where he's broody and dominant better than the submissive variety. But in this fic I tried for a version that has an obviously quieting effect on those around him. Hope it didn't seem too weird. Axel, I've always had a clear image of characterization-wise -- I would fight the whole fandom for it.
I may need new adjectives too, after writing this ;_;4 years ago
June 21 2007, 17:18:00 UTC 4 years ago
Okay, let's start with what I know: You are BY FAR the most talented thing ever to grace fandom, and everything you churn from your gifted fingers is a privilege to read. Like, there's good and then there's amazing, and you're pretty much the only occupant of the latter. I am not just showering you with praise because I think we're all special or something. I am sort of bitterly churning out praise amidst my disbelief, envy and remnant euphoria from the beautiful and veritable trainwreck that this was, and I just--argh.
One thing I love about the way you write is that you always seem to master the equilibrium of light and heavy; your works have this undercurrent of levity that is so well-woven into the piece (I snorked lamely at some of the Disney references... Do not weep for me, I weep for myself.) Or else, if you're going for light-hearted fic, you always manage to slip in some brilliant turn of emotion, and it's always, ALWAYS ALWAYS seamless.
To reiterate, I loved this, even if it was the bane of your existence for the past three months, and I'd list my favourite parts, but I think we all know that you had me at contrary to popular belief.... And you know, you are my hero and all that jazz (because, seriously... who do you have to sleep with to write like this???) ♥ ♥ ♥
June 21 2007, 19:01:53 UTC 4 years ago
Even if no one else loves me, just feelin' the support from my f-list is worth all the sleep loss and babbling insanity that have characterized my life throughout these months of shitty employment and writer's block, oh my God ILU.
I think I'd like to be able to sleep with myself, actually. In fact, I'm going to go away for a bit now for a bit of sorely needly me-time that writing this has caused to miss.
4 years ago
June 21 2007, 20:14:49 UTC 4 years ago
I think... it involves Roxas and how he was the Roxas of my soul, straight down to the attack upon all orange-foods and his absolute unwillingness. To get help from anyone, even when he was.
How he was always strongerweaker than Axel, but Axel, being caught up in burning himself out, never quite got it until the very end, when the controls had already left his hands.
I like that you gave it a playful tone, that sped on into breathless pseudo-philosophical-reality.
I also really *really* enjoyed your word choices. I finally felt like I was reading a fanfiction that *wasn't* killing my braincells as I read it.
None of what I just typed made sense! ♥
June 22 2007, 00:13:11 UTC 4 years ago
I have a horrible reading of Roxas in the game, hence my lack of grasp on his character. That's why I kept sneaking in the little details like his hobby and the food he hated, things from my head-canon that the readers may interpret as they please. I'm so gratified you read and liked it!
June 21 2007, 20:21:47 UTC 4 years ago
I followed the link from thedancinglight, and I am so glad I did. Because this fic is perfection in so many ways, and I am about to print it off so I can read it when I despair of fanfiction these days.
Just. I loved it so much. Your ocean imagery killed me. It was just so perfect and beautiful and portraying Axel as a drowning man is not only really apt but ironic and it works.
Your Xigbar made me laugh. And your Roxas collects rocks! That made me smile because I used to do that and I kept them in a bowl on my windowsill... but then I thought that it was just so wonderful and quirky and in character.
I could rant about how perfect this fic was all night, I really could. The ending brought me almost to tears. Like that tight feeling you get in yuor chest when you're holidng your breath? Yeah. I speak Spanish, so understanding it just made it worse.
Haria todo por ti.
And. I just loved this part:
"And deeper still was the knowledge that he was never actually meant to be part of Roxas’s life—or rather: he and Roxas were not meant to share fate, but for a while, without much rhyme or reason, they just had, and perhaps this was already more than either of them, than any Nobody, was ever supposed to have anyway."
And I caught a few Disney refs. (Now that I've calmed down slightly) "42 Wallaby Way, Sydney". xD
Well, I'd better wrap this up. ^^ Just - THANK YOU. For writing such a wonderful peice of work that truly deserves to be called art.
Now, to go advertise this fic. ALL OVER THE PLACE.
June 22 2007, 00:32:36 UTC 4 years ago
I mean, that's why I'm partial to this 'writing my number' business in the first place, because it allows me to write incredibly long pieces without being burdened with getting rid of loose ends. Of course, that sometimes results in pieces that are just too long *cough* but that just makes me appreciate the readers' comments even more since they had to muddle through the entire thing and didn't even complain!
I blame all those chica!Axel cracks floating around YouTube for all the Spanish, because that was seriously all I could think about *shamed* And the Disney refs mostly had to do with all the food I listed in that one segment -- you can probably tell I love talking about food ^^
Now, to go advertise this fic.
Oh man, thanks ♥
4 years ago
June 22 2007, 01:44:54 UTC 4 years ago
But I had to say something to you. Just to let you know, this was amazing. I can't really vocalise (does that even make sense in a text format) why, but it was. In a fandom that has so much potential and is let down on so many levels, I think you've raised the bar far higher than ever expected. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Also, there was a previous comment about this not really fitting into canon? Well, as far as I can see, it pretty much does. Which is refreshing, as most people resort to AU/AT even though there's a huge amount of unexplored time sitting smack in the middle of KH as a whole.
I have to quote this bit (not in it's entirety - you know what it says already) as I think it broke my heart.
You don't have a heart, but it doesn't matter because you're still cooler than over half the bastards out there who do. You made an impression. Hell, sometimes I still feel the bruise.
You are everything to me.
(I'll also mention quickly that I noticed a few errors here and there but you said it had a 'quick and dirty beta' so I'm sure you'll get them sorted without me sticking my nose in.)
June 22 2007, 06:47:25 UTC 4 years ago
I tried to figure out the KH timeline, gave up about half way through and just went with what I thought made the most sense. I have a strong feeling that I messed up somewhere, but for the most part I do think this fits, so having you confirm is wonderful.
You're right of course -- I am at the moment making an effort to find and correct the many errors that tend to flock wherever I am. My beta is wonderful but unfortunately swamped with an upcoming convention -- I only had the heart to toss the document at her head shouting, "Is anyone dead where they shouldn't be? Is it too gay for secular fandom?"
4 years ago
4 years ago
4 years ago
June 22 2007, 06:33:17 UTC 4 years ago
cross that out.
i KNOW
that was the most amazing story i have ever read in my entire life. it made my heart pound faster. i cant even put it into words. beautiful. just beautiful.
June 22 2007, 06:52:02 UTC 4 years ago
June 23 2007, 15:45:29 UTC 4 years ago
So, as you know from my inept comments long ago, KH is uncharted territory for me--but that didn't stop me from finding time to read this and enjoy!!! *drinks you up*
I love all the snarky dialogue, haha, your writing brilliance shines in everything you do. ♥ You made Axel real to me with this piece, and if I ever cross over to KH fandom I can bet Axel/Roxas will be my OTP just because of you. Roxas is adorable, and I found a lot to love about the way you wrote the two of them, the very normal sort of awkwardness and hesitation. I especially liked Axel's determination not to let his personal freak-out show and therefore freak out Roxas--who he sorta wants to take care of despite the many times Roxas has saved him.
I also loved the image of the popsicle, and how you worked it in near the end, referencing that one video on YouTube from back in the day. Guh. ♥ That and the delicious imagery of the rock collecting--my God you sometimes make me sick! XD
Beautiful story. Even with the tragic estrangement and feelings of failure. Or especially because of that. *flaily*
On a random sidenote--I noticed that you were able to post this all in one post! Does wordpress not limit by wordcount? *intrigued* I'd love to find something like that! How do you like using wordpress so far?
*giant hugs* I'm fighting a cold at the moment, or I'd insist on more thorough molestation, lol, so hopefully you can be satisfied by what's going on in my head. ^_~
June 23 2007, 17:37:30 UTC 4 years ago
I haven't talked to you in so long -- and I realize most of this has to do with my constant flaking out on calling you, I'm just terrible. I can't believe you took the time to read through this despite it not being your fandom and pairing *_* That slays me. Deep inside.
Wouldn't you know, in the KH fandom, there are all these different interpretations of the Axel/Roxas relationship. There is the typical horn-dog seme/blushing uke one, which has me running for the hills and making feeble jokes about how Roxas is totally The Man over the phone. There is the Angsty McAngst version with all the "Our love surpasses, our love so fast, our love's all wrong, our love goes on and on!" kitsch -- which, admittedly, I kind of wallow in.
But when I set out to write a love story -- yeah, let's face it, it's all schmoop and vanilla from here on out -- I have to think about what makes it enduring. Because, you know, instant attraction's all fine and good, but really, it's that moment you wake up at half past noon and the other person has also just risen and neither of you has had time to put on your make-up, and you just sort of glance over and see them, I don't know, scratching their balls or something. And you find yourself thinking, "Wow, that's hot," without sarcasm and realize that you're totally, utterly gone if bad hygiene just makes you dreamier. You know, like that? That's love.
Besides, people who admit to meeting on a clocktower where they watched the sunset together automatically lose badass creds in my book. Also, it helps that I think of all the characters as little girls in love with Orlando Bloom :D
I also have the wordpress blog for the very purpose of posting fics that surpass the LJ word limit. I don't know -- it's pretty straightforward, not too complex. I had some trouble coding my posts at first, and you can't customize the layout like with LJ until you've upgraded to a paid account or something. I don't see myself moving there permanently, but as far as word limit goes it's pretty sweet.
Wow, I got to rambling a bit. Must mean I've been missing you ;) Hope you triumph over the cold soon; got to be in the best shape by Otakon, remember? *nudges*
Now to go physically restrain myself to a chair so I don't accidentally wander off to write Deidara's backstory. Damn you Kishimoto, I wish I knew how to quit you >_>
June 23 2007, 17:46:18 UTC 4 years ago
June 23 2007, 17:50:48 UTC 4 years ago
June 24 2007, 01:02:17 UTC 4 years ago
This is a beautifully exemplary fic. Anyone who wants to write Organization-era Roxas and Axel should read it. Amazing.
June 24 2007, 02:39:22 UTC 4 years ago
Besides, Roxas left right after that. Things were sad. Can you blame me for losing heart?
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. It really means a lot to me :)
June 25 2007, 23:28:06 UTC 4 years ago
You've knocked the smart witty comments right out of me, and all I can do is stare in utter and complete awe.
Beautiful.
July 1 2007, 01:54:23 UTC 4 years ago
June 26 2007, 04:59:05 UTC 4 years ago
And he's also very sad, in some ways, despite his ability to not seem it at all. The bits about his Other and his inability to remember his name, just neutrally sad about the possibilities of his Other's life. And I love the end of part 15, when the anticipation of seeing Sora connects back to Roxas and in some ways - totally guessing here though - a reflection of Axel's need for himself to understand his own existence better, or give some sort of name to each of the sadnesses he feels over the possibilities of his other existence.
AND ROXAS. Roxas, teehee, as much as I love him, I keep imagining him as a grouchy
chubbykid that eatsburgersall day and doesn't give a crap about anything *headdesk* THAT ONE FIC... You definitely captured the mysterious bit of Roxas, that makes you wonder what he would smile at or laugh about, and that is really what I felt really showed him in love. Axel, you can tell, because he's so much more open, but Roxas is all about the details, with the rocks and the way he smiles.The repetition of You had another name, once, but you forgot it throughout it was really poignant in the end, because you kind of forget he's thought that before until it's right there again, after Your name is bit. And the sea imagery was wonderful: the parallels with the sea and heart, and Axel letting go of "land" to fall in love with Roxas is both super romantic and super tragic, considering how things had to turn out.
AND PORN AND SHENANIGANS, Xigbar and Larxene were crazy awesome in this, I like how alarmed Larxene would get whenever Axel asked her something that would require... human decency? to answer XD And the Disney references... I definitely remember the Nemo one, but am not sure if I caught any others, other than Katamari ♥ I LOVED this sentence: "The irony that was a tiny prince charged with the weight of the stars and moon wasn't lost on him either" because I totally never thought of it that way and yeah, it's totally ironic XD
I looove some of the technique you pulled here also, with the lists (seemed like Axel's nervous habit or something) and how some sections immediately responded to the last bit of the one before it, or not at all. And how the most emotional scenes were much shorter, more observation and less commentary on Axel's behalf. The inclusion of Quizás, quizás, quizás struck me Wasteland-ish despite not knowing what it meant and packed a punch to the scene anyway, especially since he's thinking of Roxas. Then, now that I consider "what does that mean" - if the translation is correct - AHA, again reflects to me Axel's sadness concerning the possibilities. And of course, section 30 - not to be totally cliche - was a perfect way to end this story.
Or, simply, YOU ARE AMAZING. THE END. /fangirl
July 1 2007, 02:07:06 UTC 4 years ago
AND DON'T SAY THAT I MIGHT NEVER BE COMPELLED TO ACTUALLY PLAY THE GAME NOW D:
I'm just generally gleeful with a side of flattered that you were patient enough to read this in its entirety and then comment on it -- and amidst translating for The Man, uh, The Mom too, how I can sympathize. I was just so worried that nobody would read this, because, wow, talks about overcompensating, you know. But you put up with the hopeless romanticism, and even seem to have noticed a lot of details that I myself have forgotten were included in the first place -- much of this story was written in some sort of 4 am fugue state -- you are just so amazing and lovely and eloquent *_*
I should call you sometime, to talk Otakon and maybe gush some more, but next week I am relocating to Chinese bootcamp location and as usual school-related depression is hitting hard. Yeah, I know, I know.
June 26 2007, 08:39:11 UTC 4 years ago
<3
I laughed. I cried. I didn't know more words than I'd care to admit (joy to the dictionaries!). Seriously, that was the BEST fanfic I have EVER read. Love to you, love love love. <3 <3 <3 XD I think I'm going to go cry some more, then laugh about how Saix eats babies and OMG it's so true it HURTS.July 1 2007, 02:09:36 UTC 4 years ago
Re: <3
Joy to the dictionaries indeed! ♥ I had some complaints that my word choice was causing my readers problem, so you have no idea how glad I am to hear this. And of course Saix eats babies, but likelier than not he's allergic to them XD4 years ago
June 27 2007, 19:25:15 UTC 4 years ago
Mai. I am floored yet again by how beautiful and funny and simultaneously heart-wrenching your work is. *keens* Axxeeeeel.
Honestly I am incapable of forming anything constructive to say about it. Really. You've left me feeble-minded (wait,that's not that hard, really, scratch that compliment).
THE HURT OMG THE HURT *it buuuurns*
July 1 2007, 02:12:31 UTC 4 years ago
Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, but if someone is feeble-minded it would be me. Because I wrote a slash story that was basically a poorly veiled Love Song to Axel. Shameless, really.
WHAT HURT OMG FOCUS ON THE MAN-PRON SRSLY.
June 28 2007, 21:37:30 UTC 4 years ago
Felt compelled to say it. Even if that simple sentence can't possibly give you an idea of the flailing and squeeing and crying that occurred while reading your work, it'll have to make do.
♥
July 1 2007, 02:14:35 UTC 4 years ago
♥
July 4 2007, 00:22:46 UTC 4 years ago
July 6 2007, 02:04:33 UTC 4 years ago
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